Mindset Shifts to Release Mom Guilt
Written by Erika Lamara, Marriage + Family Therapist Associate
“I do not have time for anything. From the moment I wake up to bedtime, I am bombarded with children asking for this and that. Then off to work I go with adults asking for this and that. Before I know it, it is 5pm and I am rushing home to make dinner, take the kiddos to sports, then back to the house just in time for bedtime. Only to start it all over again the next day. Ughhhh I love my children, my family, but it can get tiresome.”
Does this sound familiar? Maybe this exact scenario is not your story. However, what resonates most are the feelings produced in reading this scenario. Is life, right now, filled with no time for anything? Is all your time consumed by everyone else, but yourself? Are you drowning in the redundancy of your schedule and the pulling of your attention by others? If this at all is true for you, please be reassured you are not alone. There are so many women navigating these challenges, seeking to be free from it to enjoy all of what life has to offer.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where so much pressure is put on the mother to produce, manage, and obtain. Shamed for prioritizing self-care. In the short lived moments of going against the grain and taking time for self, only to return to guilt, resentment, and overwhelm having to get back to business and pick up the pieces of all that was put to the side.
I am often asked, “Erika, is there another way?” And I say, “Yes, there is! But it will take work, persistence, assertiveness, and refuting the war of your mind. You will have to fight against your natural automatic responses.”
So, what is the WORK I speak of? Work means checking yourself and through taking inventory it opens the door to a shift in perspective. As the shift in perspective occurs, it will then take a constant renewing of the mind to remain changed. Because remember… This experience has been built over time and it will take time to break the cycle.
Now change requires defining! We sometimes want change, however never take the time to consider what the change would even look like. Or we envision unrealistic change. So the first step would be defining change for yourself and what you would expect from others, REALISTICALLY. Next is understanding that in order to have the change you really desire, it will take changing your perspective (e.g. mindset, behaviors, expectations, habits, parenting, how you approach life as a whole, etc.).
Perspective shifts require inquiry and reflection. To make change we must go back to the beginning. Knowing the root of the dysfunction and unhealthiness that fuels all the pressures, guilt, and shame shifts everything and sparks the transformation process. Why, you ask? Inquiry and reflection gives you insight, makes you look in the mirror to see yourself, and informs you in what you have come to believe based on society, culture, and experience. In addition, it brings to light patterns of behavior and thinking that are not serving your life well. Once you get a glimpse of that you will not want to stay the same and you will be empowered to create new standards of living.
So I leave you with this!
With every growth moment, it encourages you to keep going until you have the next growth moment. Growth continues through consistent actions toward the change you defined at the beginning of the process. This process I always encourage to happen alongside a professional who is equipped to guide and support you through the process. I cannot say for sure what all you will accomplish, but what I can say confidently is, “The possibilities are endless in overcoming the pressures of motherhood, shame, and guilt. The ‘Self’ of the mother is most important to nurture, to be the mother you always envisioned.”
It is through this process you can take back your individuality and learn healthy balance in having multiple roles, while continuing to nurture your family unit well. Motherhood was never meant to be done alone and it was never meant to consume a woman’s life. Motherhood is a gift, not a curse or some taunting life punishment.
I would love to hear from you and join you on your journey of healthy parenting and overall living. Join The Whole Women: Mother's Retreat happening on August 20th, 2022 at 11am to begin your journey. Sign up today!