When A Parent Wants the Best for Their Child
By Erika Lamara, Marriage & Family Therapist Associate
The most common phrase I hear in working with parents is,
“I want my children to get what I was not afforded as a child. I never want my children to need… For Anything! What I needed as a child, I want my children to receive.”
Naturally, our initial response would be to see this as heroic, an amazing mindset, and a great desire to have as a parent. Now, what I am about to discuss, I ask that you would have an open mind and take a step back with me… Because this response can be seen from a deeper and wider viewpoint.
As we contemplate this response from an aerial perspective, I often ask parents, “How is this beneficial to you and your child(ren)?” On the surface, as a parent, you can relate to the pains of your childhood. It is/was your pain and that you can connect with very deeply. That is the predominant reason you want to afford your children the same pains you endured. However, let’s say you have worked through the pains of your childhood, meaning you have sought treatment to heal. You are already affording your child(ren) a better life from the mere fact you are coming from a place of “healthy”. So they are already in a position to receive more and different than you were afforded at their age. Once you have that perspective, can we agree that this mere truth may change your desires and perspective a bit?
Let me just throw out this disclaimer, before I get to my second point… No matter how great your parents were/are, there may have been something you wanted more of. So this is no discount or jab at your parents or childhood. Now moving on to my second point.
Taking it a step further, as parents it is important and beneficial to ask your child(ren) as they age and understand their needs more distinctly, to ask them what they need and want from you. Each individual is different, including children. And believe it or not children have the capacity to ask for what they want and need. So as parents, it is important to consider that what you desired as a child, may not be the #1 thing your child(ren) may need for their childhood to be the best for them.
The takeaways here are this…
As parents give yourself the space to have a dual perspective and flexibility to evolve and grow with your child(ren).
Keep an open mind and open dialog with your child(ren). Open, active communication is key!
Trust and equip your children to be in touch with their needs and desires.
Recognize that although you are cut from your parents’ cloth, you are different from your parents and have the ability to create a different experience than your parents.
Recognize that your children, although they are cut from the same cloth as you, are different from you and desire for you to see them as they are.
Always remember that your parents did the best they could with what they had, and so are you!
Most of all, remember healing and growing is an ever evolving process!
We’d love to hear from you. What’s one thing you have learned about yourself as a parent? Being a parent is a journey that evolves as you evolve. We are available to support you on the journey. Book a consultation call with one of our therapists today! Learn more about our services here.